Do I Really Want to Be a Woman… Or Just Act Like one?

Sheery pondering being a woman

At times, while being little miss me, I get an annoying thought that goes through my head… am I really just a wannabe girl? You know, doing my best impression to fool the unsuspecting but with none of the weight of being an actual GG (genetic girl). Now I’m not saying I’m a perfectly passing pretty girl prancing around town pretending every chance I get. Yet I can’t imagine myself taking on the real chores, shall we say, of womanhood. These would primarily be the social roles, sexualization and, oh, dealing with men just for starters.

To further explain, as I have gotten older, I’ve grown more to staying true to myself. I don’t lie or pretend to be who I’m not and I expect the same from others, AKA, being a good person or trying my best to be. You could chalk it up to maturity or maybe even being comfortable in my own skin (or both). When I’m all dolled up, however, I change to that other person in me, the feminine one, but still hold those values I have as regular male me underneath.

So the dilemma comes from ultimately trying my hardest to appear and act like a female when I go head to toe full gamut. Oh yeah, the posture, voice, walk in high heels, etc, you better believe I’m working on all of those. Well, if I make this much effort to trying to be female, not to mention have gotten quite far in that journey (and still progressing), then is it time to take on the more heavy duties in my female skin?

Or do I just conveniently transform back to male me when I get tired of playing little missy me, which pretty much is always the case?

OK, I may be overanalyzing things here but this makes me give a lot of thought as to why I actually crossdress in the first place. I mean I enjoy it but, since it is taking over my personality, where will it take me? In my enlightened thought, I came up with some reasons to justify this guilty pleasure of mine:

  • It is an escape. The weight of the world (especially in these times) momentarily disappears when I slip into my Wolford tights and dab on a little perfume. I am definitely a different person in my alter-ego. Male me can’t take your call right now.
  • It just feels good.  I find it very relaxing (even without the wine) and, not to mention, the sexual charge out of it is quite a rush.
  • It is a passion. I find it quite a lot of fun browsing for heels and wondering how a particular shade of lipstick would look on me. If nothing else, I would definitely call my crossdressing a fun hobby of mine.
  • It is thrilling. It is exciting to be doing something “you are not suppose to” and, most importantly, is not illegal and does no harm to anyone, not even myself. We all know there are other harmful ways to get a rush.

I get that these are probably similar to why other crossdressers do the same but I can say these are my own personal reasons. Basically, becoming an actual woman is not a reason for why I adore pantyhose, paint my face and walk with my chest out and hips swaying (or maybe being a woman is just further down the list). I guess in my book, that is reason enough and, hell, I’m not going to quit crossdressing because I should be taking on more female roles as my femininity develops further. Yet this does lend itself to another question.

Where will I go with my female persona since it is evolving and I am more comfortable in my crossdressed state? Better yet, will crossdressing stop being a hobby and become a part of me in a more permanent form?

Honestly, this is actually not a decision that I struggle with simply because I don’t have a single answer to it. In fact, here are all my answers to that:

  • Doubtful. Dressing up is way to feel good (and gets me off). Yet, can most definitely see that diminishing while taking on my femininity in a day to day, 24 hours role. Eventually will it stop feeling good completely?
  • Maybe. As I get older, I am more comfortable as my female alter-ego and continue to evolve to look and act more like her. I could forsee that evolution leading to a decision to permanently change sides.
  • Definitely. As my crossdressing has evolved, so has my sexuality. I am definitely not a traditional man meets woman type like I was raised to be if you know what I mean. Ten years ago, I would have never predicted this. So what about ten years from now?

So back to my original dilemma… am I still a wannabe woman? You know what? I am. If there is one thing about me that will justify everything, though, it is that I am more than open to change and I know it will come (pun intended).

And that would be good enough in my book.

 

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Posted in CD Diary

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